I have often heard OCD called a disease of pathological guilt. For those suffering from OCD, guilt is around every corner, even in the most unlikely of places. Someone suffering from OCD may feel debilitating guilt—guilt that lasts for hours, days, even weeks in some extreme cases—from something as simple as forgetting someone’s birthday or for being a bit terse in a workplace interaction.  In many cases, the desire to alleviate this guilt is the fuel for compulsive behavior. In the above examples, this might take the form of excessive apologies, taking stock of loved ones’ birthdays every morning upon waking, ruminating to convince yourself that you were not rude in the conversation at work. If any of these behaviors ring true, you are not alone; at a point in my life, I found myself partaking in these very same compulsive behaviors.

Keen observers in your life, especially those the closest to you, have probably noticed some quirks in your behavior, probably even before you had even received your OCD diagnosis. In my case, I could hide my compulsive behavior to a certain extent (this, in hindsight, was even a compulsive behavior), and I did it fairly well. I was so good at it, in fact, and had been doing for so long, that I hid the behaviors unconsciously. Only those closest to me were aware of my ‘eccentricities.’ In most cases, your loved ones being aware of your eccentricities is a good thing. These important people and their support can be an impetus for you seeking help. However, in some cases, keen yet ill-intentioned observers can cue in to the fact guilt is your driving motive. This can lead to very problematic—and sometimes downright abusive—relationship dynamics. I have experienced this in my own life, and I personally know others who suffer from OCD that have experienced this, as well. Usually, this takes the form of continuously bringing up trivial indiscretions, calling an OCD sufferer selfish/self-centered for not giving in to the abuser’s demands, threating to commit suicide if an OCD sufferer does not obey their rules, to name a few.

If my OCD were a recipe, it would read one-part guilt one-part anxiety. This anxiety, in my case and in the case of many OCD suffers whom I’ve spoken, stems from difficulty tolerating uncertainty. Uncertainty for those with OCD has an entirely different meaning than those without OCD. For those with OCD, it is not uncommon for them to be uncertain about whether or not their front door is locked, although they have checked it numerous times. It is not uncommon for them to be uncertain about whether or not they killed or maimed someone while driving, although they have no recollection of doing so. One might be able to see how this pervasive sense of uncertainty can be taken advantage of by a malicious loved one. In my experience, this usually takes the form of gaslighting. To gaslight is to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity. In the case of someone with OCD, this can be particularly easy, for OCD sufferers question their own sanity without any sort of outside validation. I have heard of cases of gaslighting, for example, where an abuser has convinced his/her significant other (not an OCD sufferer) that he/she has cheated, despite having no memory of doing so. You can imagine, then, how easy it might be to convince an OCD sufferer of the same.

By nature, OCD sufferers are skeptical, even of things that are patently obvious. In the case of abuse, especially of the abuse I have written about here, it is decidedly not obvious, and this can lead those with OCD to remain in these abusive relationships due to the fact that they cannot decide whether it is abusive or not. My advice in determining whether or not a relationship you are in is abusive is to seek a professional opinion, i.e. from a therapist or clergy person, or from a trusted loved on. I will note, even thiscan turn into an obsession, so tread lightly and try to recognize reassurance-seeking behavior. I also urge you to trust yourself—if you think something is wrong, it probably is.

Another fantastic resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which you can reach at 1-800-799-7233.